Cheryl Lynn isn't quite sure who she is, but she's pretty sure of what she wants to be. A warrior woman. A bad-ass mamajama. Perhaps an earth goddess extraordinaire. She spends her days abusing keyboards and screaming at computer screens while she waits for her cult following to finally show up.

She changes her mind more often than extras in rap videos change thongs.

Remember: save to your own server, sweets!

Reading SELF Magazine.

Writing To-Do lists.

Hearing Thunder.

Watching General Hospital.

Building Nothing.

Eating Vitamins.

Drinking Iced Tea.

Buying Comic books.

Thinking "It is HOT!"

Playing Episodes from Liberty City.

Adoring Cold water.

Saying Very little.

Abhorring Bigotry.

Feeling Calm.

Hoping To get in gear.

Yarrgh!

So, DC and Marvel are striking out at the torrent crowd. How will this change the face of comics?

Will Marvel and DC make gobs more money if they manage to remove all illegal scans of their comics from the World Wide Web? Not so much. I don't believe for a moment that a majority of the individuals reading pirated scans will cough up hard-earned dough for superhero comics once they no longer have access to those scans. Why? Because I've been in those individuals' living rooms. And they spend their money on real entertainment like DVDs and video games.

God, that sounds awful, doesn't it? But I'm just calling it like I see it. Most of the people I know offline don't consider superhero comics worthy of their money. Oh, they're willing to snatch up the latest torrent for that ride down Nostalgia Lane, but when it comes to spending money to be entertained? Marvel and DC won't be seeing one penny of their cash. That's money that has to go to Eidos, Valve, Rockstar, Warner Brothers, Sony, and Fox.

And Dark Horse. And Image. Y'know, for real comics.

Yes, I know. All comics should be real comics. But I have friends who don't feel that way. Sure, they're downloading all of the comics that are part of the World War Hulk crossover, but you won't find any Marvel comics sitting on their bookshelves. What will you find? Frank Miller's Sin City collection. The Walking Dead series. Lone Wolf and Cub. Immortal Iron Fist is the only "tights and flight" exception that I see. And that's not even a true superhero book. And I have to wonder if my friends would have taken an interest in the book if I hadn't mentioned it. After all, Iron Fist isn't one of our youth icons. My friends and I weren't even old enough to read while the character was initially kicking ass and taking names. Hell, some of us weren't even born yet.

It's heartbreaking as well as hilarious when you think about it. These guys will hit up the torrent sites to download Marvel and DC superhero comics, sample one or two of the critically-acclaimed independent comics packed in the bundle, and then wind up buying the trade of the independent comic series! Pirated Marvel and DC superhero comics are actually helping to bolster the sales of independent comics. Crazy time!

So, what's the problem here? Why won't removing the torrents result in a huge increase in revenue for Marvel and DC?

One, not enough bang for your buck. If you have 50 bucks, are you going to buy three trades that you can finish off in an afternoon, a five-month subscription to view a narrow selection of comics that you can't keep via a clunky interface, or a video game that you can play for a year or two? Pffft. Orange Box, here I come!

Two, much to my annoyance, reading superhero comics still carries the stench of loser. The ghost of Comic Book Guy haunts many. That lanky, hazel-eyed hipster sitting down on the stoop of his parents' Park Slope brownstone to read The Walking Dead? An American Apparel ad waiting to happen. That lovely Lolita with raven locks that dip into her eyes as she bends over to peruse her Death Note manga? Adored by all. That chubby-cheeked kid who is begging his mom for the latest Naruto volume? Cute enough to be a modern-day Cosby kid.

But that guy with the stack of DC and Marvel comics? Well, he's an unattractive social outcast in his thirties with dodgy views on women and minorities who sweats profusely and writes long-winded essays on how Marvel and DC have raped his childhood. But that's only when he's not busy harassing women online.

Sadly, reader-of-superhero-comics equals emotionally-stunted-fanboy to many. Normal adults enjoy their superheroes in video games, television shows and movies. Superheroes are about to have the best year ever. Readers of superhero comics? Well, they need much better PR. We aren't all Comic Book Guy! Someone needs to tell the masses that so that guys aren't afraid to leave that Infinite Crisis trade in plain sight. Or buy it in the first place.

But if Marvel and DC aren't at the point where they can increase their revenue due to removing pirated copies of their comics from the web, then why are they going after sites like Z-Cult? Because no one likes working hard only to have people take their shit for free. That is why you can't walk into a movie theater without paying. That is why I'm not writing a blog entry listing marketing strategies DC and Marvel can use to reach out to minority readers. That is why iTunes exists. That is why lap dances cost money.

I'm not going to lie. I'm going to miss reading Immortal Iron Fist until the next trade comes out. I'm going to miss having an easily portable copy of my old comics that I can take wherever I travel. I'm going to miss finding out about comics that I would have never known about if not for my friends stumbling across them while searching for superhero stuff. But I can deal.

You know what I won't miss? 90% of the superhero stuff. Just like I don't miss watching soap operas. If I can find out what's happening on a daytime drama by reading a one-paragraph plot synopsis, why should I waste an hour of my life watching the show? That hour is better spent on The Wire.

And if I can find out what's going on in the Marvel universe through Newsarama and Scans Daily for free, then I can spend my money on an upcoming Vinyl Underground trade instead. Yeah, I suppose I'm guilty of that real comic nonsense too. But that comic has two kick-ass black women in it. No contest.

Anyway, that's just my take on the whole she-bang. Your mileage may vary given the peeps in your life. I also apologize for my complete and utter lack of any kind of elegance or eloquence with this post, but I have family members coming out of the woodwork and I am very very tired.

Cheryl Lynn @ 07:56 PM EST Link