Wizard's Big Apple Flyer

This is a picture perfect example of how Wizard is out of touch with pop culture. Even if you wanted a group that would go over well with the older fratboy-turned-dad crowd that is bound to be in attendance, you wouldn’t go with Naughty by Nature! You’d go find some ’90s rap act with kitsch value and a couple of safe songs that could be performed in front of a bunch of nine-year-old kids! Is Jim from accounting going to want to bop along to “O.P.P.” with his daughter Caitlin sitting on his shoulders? Nope. And any younger nerds in attendance would much rather hear from Del or DOOM.

Uh, Roman Polanski supporters?

Uh, you do realize you’re all nuts, right? Dude committed a crime and then decided to bounce. And decades later he was caught. And he should now serve time for his criminal act. I don’t see how this could be any simpler, folks. Listen, I understand that you guys really like the movies he directed. After all, Chinatown was fantastic. But, hell, 12 Play was great too. Doesn’t mean that R. Kelly doesn’t deserve some time in a cell because I like to sing “Sex Me (Part II)” in the shower. Suck it up.


Rick Ross should just change his name to The Bossman and rock the crooked corrections officer angle! He could pay a couple of lifers off to make up stories about how he was a nightmare to them in the pen. They can spin tales about how underhanded and dirty he was—how he ran every cell block. Lies? Probably. However, little Timmy living out in the suburbs doesn’t care about that as long as the outrageous black buck fantasy is meticulously maintained.

Really, Rick Ross should just embrace the whole controversy. He should put out a music video set in a prison—an Oz send up. He could show a defeated kingpin sitting in prison while Rick Ross is shown going through his personal effects and taking over the criminal’s life. That’d be awesome. Where the hell are his PR people? They should have been carefully altering his public image as soon as the first picture was released!

Studio gangsters have the worst managers, I swear. I could do a better job.

Boys’ love girls.

You know what I just realized? The mainstream rap industry would be the perfect setting for an interracial yaoi love story.

Just imagine it! Madd Nes, a superstar rapper with a new platinum album who is about to kick off the Asian leg of his worldwide tour! Hiromi, a soft-spoken reporter for Nine Magazine who has been assigned to cover the brash entertainer’s exploits in Japan! How will Hiromi get the exclusive story he needs to cement his position at Nine when Nes won’t even share a fact as simple as his real name? Will Nes be able the keep the one secret he guards above all others while trapped beneath Hiromi’s prying eyes each night?

Someone find me an artist. I’m totally writing this.

Straight-pride parade to be held in NYC.

“Although reggae is known for its militancy and its resistance to injustice, the reggae community has remained calm throughout the attack on the music by Peter Tatchell and other Gay activists groups. Rather than going on the offense, the reggae community will instead unite in solidarity a day prior to labor day in New York City.”

You can’t make this stuff up. Finally, someone is going to provide a place where straight people can express their love without repercussions! Now all we need is a White Entertainment Television because there just aren’t enough positive depictions of white people on TV. Can we please have a moratorium on the you just don’t understand our culture excuse? It doesn’t work when Mexican citizens try to excuse blatantly racist caricatures in comics. It doesn’t work when African American men try to excuse misogynistic images in hip-hop. You don’t get to hide your homophobia behind Caribbean cultures—especially when they are too beautiful to be tied to hatred. The work you produce? It’s hurting people. It’s reinforcing hate and disgust. Don’t think it doesn’t have a negative impact because it does.

It’s never just an image when a black child thinks he’s ugly because of it. It’s never just a lyric when a gay man thinks he’s perverse because of it. It’s never just a video when a black woman thinks she’s worthless because of it. You’re chopping away at the self-worth of others. And it’s wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Tighten up.

“The tight clothes–what, the boys is gay now? Boys walking around thinking they girls, girls walking around thinking they boys…No wonder all the girls are dating girls—because the boys are gay!”

Elijah Bilal

Booooooooo! Okay, I’m just going to put my unpopular opinions right on the table. A person can behave in a feminine manner. A person can behave in a masculine manner. However, the only way a person can “act gay” is if that person is participating in a sexual act with another person of the same sex. I’m going to need these guys to go and stand over there with Ralph Nader. I’m a straight woman and I’m more stereotypically masculine than some popular rappers I can name. Femininity can be celebrated by a person of any sex or sexual orientation—and so can masculinity. And I don’t see what’s so feminine about wearing clothes that fit. And since when are baggy clothes masculine? Childish? Sometimes. But masculine? Meh.

That said, I would love to see rappers who celebrate masculinity in a healthy manner get radio play and television exposure. I’m tired of the media beating me over the head with artists who are supposed to be grown men having childish tantrums over the airwaves, bragging about their jewelry and custom-made purses, or dressing like tweens.

“If you are homosexual, you are not gangsta. There’s nothing gangster about being homosexual.”

Blanco the Don

Huh? I weep for our children.

I used to love H.I.M.

What is this? And this? Are there any mainstream rappers who are actually men? This is behavior a mean-spirited twelve-year-old girl would engage in. Crying on the phone? Taping conversations?

Where are the men? I don’t want to hear from metrosexual braggarts who spend more on face cream and furniture than my car costs; men who are more excited about going to the mall than I am; men who have on more jewelry than I do! Give me a man in a t-shirt and jeans. And those jeans better not cost more than thirty dollars either. We’re in a recession, damn it. And while we’re on the subjects of clothes, take off that t-shirt that looks like a dress! And find one that doesn’t give epileptics seizures! Why are you dressing like a toddler? No one will buy your subpar ringtone music if you look like you’ve completed puberty? Put on some clothes that fit properly! Buy a suit that isn’t velvet or a Day-Glo color. Act like you have some class and functioning retinas when you appear at an awards ceremony!

I want to hear from a man who makes me want to whip up home-cooked meals; a man I’d bring a beer and a sandwich to while he watches the game; a man that doesn’t scramble to get R. Kelly on a remix or crack jokes about “fast ass” little black girls. Real men don’t tolerate child molesters. Real men plant and nurture seeds. They don’t pluck them. Real men don’t act like children with wounded egos. They don’t make YouTube clips to throw shade. They don’t run to gossip columnists or mixtape DJs to snitch about someone else being a snitch. Why? They’re too busy minding their own business. And making that business grow.

I’m so tired of these fools. I swear.

As an aside, I want to make clear that cooking or bringing a man a beer and a sandwich is not a woman’s role or something a woman is obligated to do. I just like making my partner feel comfortable. If I were a lesbian, I’d still be making sandwiches and bringing beers. And if I were man, I’d do the same.

Oh, yeah! Comics!

Damage Control is so good. I’m disappointed that it’s just a mini. What is McDuffie doing afterwards? It would be a shame to just hand him back to DC. I’m also loving the art team of Espin and Guru EFX. I’m trying to think of a fun and lighthearted book the team could move to next. Lighthearted fun doesn’t seem to be Marvel’s specialty at the moment. Perhaps the whole team might be better off on a DC project.

Speaking of DC, can I just say that I really don’t like Vixen? Her powers have changed and she doesn’t see fit to clue all of her teammates in? Immature and irresponsible. I can’t wait for her to get kicked off the team. I hope she’s replaced by Dr. Light—the one who isn’t a rapist, of course. Man, it’s nice to dislike a black character for reasons other than the character being one-dimensional or an offensive stereotype.

You know who I want to see? Waller’s kids. I don’t want them becoming superheroes, but I’m curious as to how Waller has managed to protect them so well given her underhanded behavior and extensive list of enemies. Is everyone afraid of the woman? Even loons such as the Joker? Actually, it would be interesting to see what Waller would do if one of her kids pulled a Proteus. Would she be able to take her own child down? The only tie left to a husband who was brutally murdered? Given the interesting ways that so many writers at DC have examined family ties, I think it would be a good story.

You know what else I want to see? A Ghostface/Marvel collaboration to hype the upcoming Iron Man movie. Marvel could take segments of lyrics from various Ghostface songs and create 8-page Iron Man back-up stories around them. It’d be a fun way for newbie artists to get their feet wet. And may I nominate “Walking through the Darkness” as one of the songs that should be on the soundtrack?

Of course, that would never happen. Why? Because it would be awesome, that’s why. Plus, there are five thousand boring alt-rock songs that must be put on a soundtrack to a superhero movie or television series before a decent rap song is even considered. I swear, a Luke Cage movie would have four songs from Nickleback on it.

The goods.

I’ve spent way too much time being grumpy and complaining about things that are wrong with the world. Tonight is all about the good stuff.

The Wire: When I say this is the best show on television, I mean it. And it isn’t because the show has had its fair share of eye candy throughout its run either. This is a program with an amazingly talented cast. It is a program that tells a fascinating and complex story over the course of each season, and manages to shed some light on the many intersections of race, class, politics, and crime while doing so. This is not your run of the mill cop show, folks.

The Venture Bros.: The show’s creators could have easily rested on their laurels and been pleased with the fact that they had created a hilariously entertaining cartoon filled to the brim with sarcastic wisecracks and bizarre plots. But they had to take it an additional step further and load it with some of the most amusing and bemusing pop culture references and tributes ever seen. Love it.

Four Four: I deleted all of my gossip blog links around the time that Shameless Media Whore #325 took Minority Photo Op #5786, and felt much better because of it. But I continue to read Four Four. Though, honestly, Rich Juzwiak’s blog is a hell of a lot more than a mere gossip site. The man tears into pop culture like a rabid dog into raw meat. He’s smart, funny, and he’s a hell of a music critic too. So there.

“Devotion” by Ten City: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. This is the best song in the universe. I am convinced that Byron Stingily’s voice on this track is a gift directly from God to me. We’re talking a religious experience here, people. The song is that good. I think I love it so much because it reminds me of the days when dance music still had a heart and soul. Every time I listen I get butterflies. Each and every time.

Snickers: The ultimate junk food. I had one yesterday and I swear my mouth had an orgasm. Whoever invented this candy bar was brilliant. Brilliant! It is every possible guilty edible pleasure all rolled into one. The sweet and creamy taste of warm chocolate! The intense pleasure of biting down on crunchy, salted peanuts! Feeling the weight of thick caramel pooling in the center of your tongue! Oh, so good!

Adam Warren: Some swoon over the words of Warren Ellis. Some get giddy over the faintest line drawn by Jim Lee. For me, Adam Warren is my last bastion of fangirliness. I simply adore every iota of this man’s work. Every piece the man produces is like a postcard from the future. And the future is fun, fast, and overloaded with information.

Go. Visit. Enjoy.

More hate.

Hmmm. It seems as if I have compiled my hate list rather prematurely. I didn’t give 50 Cent a chance to say something mind-numbingly stupid this week. Now’s your chance, 50!

“Oprah’s great. I just think the only misconception is that she’s a black woman. They say Oprah Winfrey’s a black woman, but she’s [been] catering to a demographic of a middle-aged white women for so long that I believe she’s a middle-aged white woman.”

Okay! Anything else?

“Oprah will have a rapist on her show and have a discussion about why they do it, but won’t have a rags-to-riches story on her show. She’ll have Kanye West on her show. I think Middle America would rather have they kids be gay, than have them aggressive.”

Nice. First of all, anyone who has watched just one episode of The Wire (which is the best show on television) knows damn well that gay and aggressive are not mutually exclusive. Omar will cut you. Second, Oprah brings rapists on her show so she can (1) verbally tear into them and (2) give women information on how they can protect themselves and their loved ones from the horror of sexual assault. That is extremely important. Promoting a rapper who is enjoying the fourteenth minute of his fifteen minutes of fame is not.

Third? Your consumer base does not determine your race. If that were the case, 50 would be a white male teenager with a great deal of money to spend on substandard entertainment. Hell, your DNA doesn’t even determine your race. Race is as arbitrary as human behavior. It can change just by booking a flight to a different country. Hey, remember when people from Spain used to be white? Me too.

Okay, that’s enough of the hate. Let’s get back to the love!

The gospel.

If they actually played gospel house music in church, I would go more often. I don’t understand how religious leaders can complain that they’ve lost touch with the youth of today when they are still playing my grandmother’s gospel music in church. They refuse to make an effort to change the way things are done. The music is out there. Why are churches ignoring it? How sad is it that my favorite way to celebrate God is found in a nightclub instead of a church?

I should found my own church.